Episode 38 | Behavior Is Communication: Seek to Understand Before Assigning Meaning
Episode 38: From Autism Diagnosis to College Freshman
Behavior Is Communication: Seek to Understand Before Assigning Meaning
These archival conversations were recorded while I was writing Raising Superman.
As Ricky II approached the end of high school and prepared for college and young adulthood, the interview process gave us space to have candid conversations about his experiences growing up on the autism spectrum and my experiences parenting a child on the autism spectrum.
This is one of the harder conversations.
In second grade, Ricky II found himself in a situation he did not understand and did not yet have the verbal communication skills to explain.
He was confused about where he was supposed to go after school.
He stopped moving because he was trying to figure out what was happening.
His emotions became big, and he did what he had learned to do when he needed time to process: he sat down.
What he needed in that moment was a service provider willing to pause, observe, and seek to understand what he was communicating.
That is not what happened.
An adult physically attempted to move him. The interaction escalated.
And afterward, language such as “angry” and “threatening” was used to describe his behavior.
But there was information the adults around him did not have access to at the time.
Ricky II did.
Years later, sitting beside me as an 18-year-old, he was finally able to tell us what the second grader could not:
“I wasn’t angry. I was sad and confused.”
That distinction matters.
When we observe a child’s behavior, we know what we saw.
We do not automatically know what the child felt.
Anger, fear, sadness, confusion, frustration, overwhelm, and uncertainty can produce behaviors that may look similar from the outside.
Our interpretation is not the child’s emotion.
And when adults assign meaning too quickly, particularly to the behavior of a Black boy with a disability who is still developing verbal communication, words such as angry, aggressive, and threatening can become far more than descriptions of a moment.
That is why service providers must remain curious.
Describe what you observe.
Consider what the child may be communicating.
Account for what you know about the individual child.
Give the child space and support to regulate.
And whenever possible, ask rather than assume.
Ricky II was communicating that day.
The adults around him simply did not understand his language.
Years later, he gave us the translation.
He wasn’t angry.
He was sad and confused.
Every child deserves service providers who seek to understand before assigning meaning.
🌱🌿🌳
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