“Are You Making a Good Decision?”

By Dr. El Brown

One of the best tools I’ve ever used with Ricky II is a simple question:

“Are you making a good decision?”

I don’t say, “You must do this” or “Don’t do that.” The responsibility is his. I ask the question because I’ve been intentional about teaching him decision-making since he was five years old.

Why I Can Ask That Question

From early on, I made sure Ricky had the tools to know what a good decision looks like. As a child on the autism spectrum, I didn’t assume he “just knew.” I explained things explicitly.

And what I learned is this: being explicit benefits everybody. There was never a gray area about what it meant to be a good human.

So when I ask, “Are you making a good decision?” he knows exactly what I mean.

What Happens When I Ask

Ricky is honest. If he isn’t making a good decision, he’ll say, “No.” Then I ask, “Why is that not a good decision?” and we talk it through.

If he says, “Yes, I am,” then I ask him to explain why. Either way, he’s thinking it through, and we’re having the conversation.

Asking the question isn’t just about the moment. It helps him practice decision-making, build autonomy, and strengthen his self-efficacy — that belief that he can make sound choices on his own.

Why Logic Is the Boss

In our home, we have a rule: I’m not the boss. He’s not the boss. Logic is the boss.

That means it’s not about me pulling rank as the parent or him pushing back as the child. It’s about what makes sense, what’s fair, and what lines up with the values we’ve already agreed on.

Raising a Man

I understood from the time Ricky was five that I wasn’t raising a child. I was raising a man. And that man would need to go out into the world knowing how to make good, sound decisions.

So every time I ask, “Are you making a good decision?” I’m not just managing a moment. I’m preparing him for life.

We want our children to make good decisions even when we aren’t there. One way to support that is to let them practice decision-making with us — and reinforce it in real time.

Parenting Tip: Teaching Decision-Making With FAIR

Here’s a simple framework you can remember: FAIR

1. F – Frame expectations clearly.

Don’t assume your child “just knows.” Be explicit about what the expectation is and why. For example: “We walk when we’re inside the house because it keeps us safe,” or “We put our shoes by the door so everyone can find theirs in the morning.” Framing expectations this way makes the rule concrete and logical.

2. A – Ask the question.

When your child shows a behavior outside of your household expectation, ask: “Are you making a good decision?” This gives them a chance to stop, think, and self-assess instead of simply reacting to correction.

3. I – Illustrate the logic.

Whether they say yes or no, have them explain why. Why was that a good decision? Why wasn’t it? Talking through the logic keeps the focus on reasoning — not power struggles. In our home, logic is the boss.

4. R – Repeat.

Repetition builds the muscle. Every time you ask the question, process the answer, and discuss the logic, you are conditioning your child to pause and evaluate choices. Over time, this repetition builds the muscle memory to operate in sound decision-making — even when you aren’t there.

Because at the end of the day, the goal is simple: to raise a human who knows how to stop, think, and choose well — not just when I’m present, but for life.